You’re in the grocery store. Your 4-year-old wants the cereal with the cartoon tiger. You say no. Suddenly, they’re on the floor, screaming. You feel the stares. Your heart races. And somewhere in your mind, a voice whispers: Why are they acting like this? What am I doing wrong?
Let’s pause right there.
From a psychological perspective, tantrums are not misbehaviour, they’re a form of communication. They’re a child’s way of saying, “I’m overwhelmed, and I don’t yet have the tools to handle this feeling.” Understanding this doesn’t mean letting go of boundaries. It means responding in a way that helps your child build the emotional regulation skills they’re still developing.
What’s Happening in the Brain During a Tantrum?
Tantrums are most common between ages 2 and 6, when the emotional brain (limbic system) is highly active, but the thinking brain (prefrontal cortex) is still under construction. This means that when a child is tired, overstimulated, or frustrated, their ability to pause, reflect, or use words is limited.
In these moments, they’re not being “naughty”, they’re often dysregulated. Their nervous system is in fight-or-flight mode. What they need isn’t a lecture. They need co-regulation: a calm, steady adult who can help them feel safe enough to settle.
What to Do Instead: Regulate First, Teach Later
When we interpret tantrums as “bad behaviour,” we often respond with punishment or lectures. But in the middle of a meltdown, a child’s brain isn’t in a state to learn.
Here’s a better way of responding:
Stay calm: Your nervous system sets the tone. If you escalate, so will your child.
Offer presence, validate the feeling: Sit nearby. Say something simple like, “You’re having a hard time. I’m here.”
Wait for the wave to pass. Once your child is calm, then you can talk about what happened.
Name the feeling. “You were really frustrated when I said no.” This builds emotional literacy.
Teach a skill. “Next time, you can say, ‘I’m mad!’ and stomp your feet three times.”
This approach doesn’t mean letting your child “get away” with anything. It means teaching them how to feel something hard and stay connected to you. That’s the foundation of emotional resilience.
How Anywhere Play Can Help
Children don’t learn emotional regulation by being told to “calm down.” They learn it through repetition, co-regulation, and play. That’s where tools like the ones at Kids Anywhere Play come in.
This tool can help teach kids how to slow their breathing using a playful, visual guide. It’s a great way to practice calming skills before a meltdown happens, and it’s fun enough that kids actually want to use it.
Kids often don’t know what they are feeling. Mood Scanner helps them name their emotions using playful visuals. It’s a gentle way to build emotional literacy, the first step in learning to self-regulate.
A Real-Life Example
Let’s say your 5-year-old throws a toy when it’s time to leave the park. Instead of saying, “Stop being naughty,” try:
“You didn’t want to leave. That’s hard. It’s time to go now. You can be mad, and we’re still leaving.”
Later that evening, you might open the Mood Scanner together and say, “Let’s figure out what you were feeling earlier.” This turns a tough moment into a learning one, without shame.
When to Seek Extra Support
Occasional tantrums are normal. But if your child is having frequent, intense outbursts beyond age 5, or if they’re hurting themselves or others, it may be time to check in with a paediatrician or child psychologist. Sometimes, tantrums are a sign of underlying challenges that benefit from extra support.
Final Thought: Tantrums Are a Skill-Building Opportunity
Your child’s tantrum isn’t a sign of failure. It’s a sign they’re still learning. When you respond with calm, connection, and consistency, you’re not just stopping a meltdown, you’re helping your child build the skills they’ll need for life.
And when you use tools like Balloon Breathing or the Mood Scanner, you’re giving them playful, repeatable ways to practice those skills, without the power struggle.